Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet,
A problem has been plaguing the world on which I must no longer remain silent. There’s no gentle way to put it. Our socks have come up missing. Not all of them, just a sock here or a sock there. One less sock after you’ve finished folding all the laundry. The mate to your favorite sock, mysteriously absent from your sock drawer. Your warm fuzzy sock, disappeared on a cold winter evening, right when you need it the most.
This has to stop.
I would like to propose a few solutions to the missing sock epidemic. I will outline them below.
Proposal #1: Standardized Socks
Upon approval, this proposal would institute a new mandate for the world. All socks must be equal. That’s right, we all wear the same exact socks. This would generate a period of worldwide sock purgation. Upon standardization of socks, any sock that does not match the exact shape, style, and color of said standardized sock will be immediately recycled and re-made into either standard socks, or (if the previous sock is the wrong material, color, etc) something else useful, such as hats or sweat bands. The standardization of socks would be effective in solving the missing sock epidemic because it wouldn’t really matter if you lost a sock, you could get another one just like it.
Proposal #2: Sock Pants
Sock pants are simple: Pants, with the socks built in. You slip your toe into your favorite jeans, and as your foot reaches the bottom, voila! Your socks are there waiting for you. On the outside, sock pants will look no different than regular pants. But the cuff of your sock will be subtly sewn into your pant legs, near the bottom. This eliminates the possibility of losing your socks in the wash! And color and style of the socks may vary with each pair of pants, so you can still feel fresh and unique every day.
Proposal #3: Smart Sock Shopping
This proposal would initiate a new form of sock retail (hey! creating more jobs, too!). The name? SockMates.com. The purpose? Say you get dressed, and go to find your favorite pair of socks. The gray ones, with the thick snappy cuffs, that NEVER slide down your ankles during the day. But lo and behold! One of your socks is missing! What should you do? Is this the end of your favorite pair of gray socks? Absolutely not! Simply log on to SockMates.com, and perform a search for the exact brand, size, and color (coming soon: personality matches) of your sock, and SockMates will send you…not two, but ONE of your favorite socks, absolutely free of charge (shipping & handling not included). How is this possible, you say? Sock insurance! Each and every pair of socks you buy will include a lifetime guarantee (for a small initial fee). Should you ever lose a sock, SockMates will replace it at NO COST (besides s&h)! And you don’t have to purchase a new PAIR of socks, ending up with three socks (does that even solve anything? Really.) Can it get any better, you say? Yes, yes it can! Not only can you get a mate for your sock, of the exact brand, size, and color…but SockMates will even send you your sock in the CONDITION of the matching sock you possess. When you apply for your new sock, simply choose “New,” “Slightly Used,” “Worn,” “Well-worn,” “Gym Sock,” “Slightly Resembling a Sock,” or “LUCKY Sock” when prompted for the condition of your sock.
There you have it, folks! You don’t have to go on living with one missing sock. There are other ways. So which would you choose?
